I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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