the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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