He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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