He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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