i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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