i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize