I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
