the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
