I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
