One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
