Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
