Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
operation have a gay friend backfired
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.