if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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