I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize