I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
