What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
