I just threw up on my dentist
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize