I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
