Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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