she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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