he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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