that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
