He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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