Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
