dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
