I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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