when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
