I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
