Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
