upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
