god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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