I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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