Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
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but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
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I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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