Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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