You kept calling me your small dog last night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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