You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He felt like a one man threesome
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
