Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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