dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
