how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
