Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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