After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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