you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
