he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
