Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
