Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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