I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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