You're completely useless in the revolution.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
