I want to have your abortion
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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