So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
