Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
