found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
