last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
