Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
