sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
