i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
