you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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