I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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