Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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